Beginnings.......

Thought a lot about what what to write.... and came up with idea of the people who have played a major role in my life...some in a constructive way while others were destructive...
In many places I would not like to mention names, but they did affect my way of life in some way or the other.
This attitude of mine to write about the characters who played their role in my life may be due to the subject HISTORY that has entwined me (not enthralled) to bring about a meaning to my life... I don't know if I am making any sense...but bear with me.

The person for whom I had all the emotions-love, jealous, adoration, hatred, hero worship, etc..etc...etc...was my father.
I had such a short time with my father I feel that God cheated me. When he passed away I was 19 years, living in my own world, thinking there was lot of time to give my dad later on, little realizing that he would not be there... I can still hear and see the tears in his eyes in Lusaka International Airport as he asked me if I really wanted to go... asked me to change my mind...(I was very angry and hurt with my mother at that time) wish I had, then I would have had afew more months with him or I as usual would have put a tantrum saying that we will go another day and thereby the time of the accident would have not had an effect on my dad.
My dad was a very soft spoken person, stern when required, naughty and playful with us. Many a times his eyes were a give away to his moods- they would turn red when he is angry then the 5 of us would put our tails between our legs and disappear before the volcano erupts. If we test him further, all of us would be made to stand in line and whether we did any wrong on that day or not would get a solid bashing--- this happens once or twice a year.
My dad adored my mother, and we used to tease him as the perfect petty coat govt. My mothers' word was law and he can not over rule it. I perfected the act with my father... he was a sucker for tears... they need not flow but just get collected in the eyes and he would fall for it. I have used this to the max to get things going my way.
In my teens ...(this is the time that we as a family...i.e. my parents and the five of us lived...with no other parasites of relatives all the time taking my parents attention)I was very brash, expressed what I felt in front of any one any where. My dad tried in a gentle way to make me express what ever I felt in a more appropriate way, then I just said that I am who I am and will not change for any one. He just said one thing..... 'then be prepared to get hurt' cos the world is spinning according to my wishes. This has come true in my life and when I have been royally hurt due to my frankness, have learnt a lesson and have said 'sorry' to my dad a million times for not heeding his advice.
My sis and self used to select shirts for my dad.. typical girly colours which the poor man used to wear and when friends and others asked him about the shirts he would so proudly state that shirts shopping is always done by my girls. I still remember a flashy bright pink and a yellow flowery shirt. No man on the earth would have liked to be seen in such shirts, but poor man wore the shirts without grumbling.
There are so many things that I want to share about my dad that I think its not possible. However few things that just not budge from my memory....
I like meat or fish with all my meals...if there is no non-veg on the table that day I will starve, so my mother used to keep aside a little for me at all times. The whole family will be eating veg lunch or dinner, but I will have NV. During lent my mother will not make even eggs. NV was the sacrifice to be made during lent. I would skip most of my meals, after a week my dad would have observed dark circles under my eyes, my sulking, lethargic and then he would tell my mother to cook some chicken only for me and she would say that I will not die if I don't eat NV for 36 days. Then my dad would take my mother's anger and go against her and he would personally cook some meat, and when he goes shopping he would see to that there are a few tinned meat and fish added to the list.
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE...........
I have still not accepted his death, I was in India at the time... I have not seen him in the still posture.....for me he is still in Zambia working and has got no leave to come and meet me....I know he will not come to see me but this time round I would hope to meet him when I go....you know where......
I love u dad.....

At last......

I have been wanting to write/blog or whatever from the time my 2 computer gurus (my daughters) have tried to make me aware of blogs. Finally about 2 months ago they opened helped me start but just today after reading Dee's blog got the nerve to write.
Many a times I have been planning to write, but what to write? Its like planning the meals- if some one tells me what they want to eat I can russel it up in no time but I hate to plan the menu and so kept deferring the write up.

Most often I feel like expressing my feelings when I am quiet depressed but being me I feel I would expose myself and my inner thoughts which I am not yet ready for others to know.
Some times I think the blog is the best place where I can pour out all my fears, feelings, frustrations, aspirations, hopes, insecurities, etc. But not yet, maybe some other times.
However I would like to express my very deep love, respect and admiration for my girls who are so smart and go getter and patient with me while teaching and guiding me through in learning to use the computer. What little I know to do with the computer has all been due to them.
Hope to continue the writing.