After along time getting to put my thoughts in black & white. Many a times I have wanted to write, but after staring at the blank space for some time I go back to my games. This is because I fear to write when I am emotional. Of late my emotions are see-sawing like no bodies business.
Most often I am able to go back to my escapist philosophy of "whatever happens in my life is not in my control, its HIS , HE knows all & I must be strong in my trust in HIM". But for the last 10 or 12 years my faith and trust in HIM is shaky. Things in my perfect family (I considered the 4 of us led a very perfect life, with the usual ups & downs) has not been perfect at all.
I have a smart and intelligent husband, beautiful and street smart,intelligent daughters, a roof over my head, husband doing well in his profession, my girls doing well in school and college and then at work. All three of them gave me unconditional love,I have nothing to worry. I led a full and satisfied life.
Suddenly I am caught in a roller coaster- husband without a regular job (though he was earning by way of commissions and marketing consultant to a couple of companies) medical problems of one girl & discontinuing of engineering course by the other, politics in my work place and my quitting the job, girls working in call center, etc.
I had always dreamed that my girls will go places in their life for two simple reasons-one they were intelligent- not in the sense of scoring in exams. I have never pressurized them to score high %; and two- they are good in their heart- no mean streak, always helpful, no spite, caring,considerate, etc.
I try to be still my old self- but its becoming difficult of late.
With my elder girl moving out and my younger one married husband and me are feeling a little lonely. All parents must be going through the same once the children are settled and moved out.
Now I am coming to the tremors following in my life-
- Always thought that I loved and will continue to love both my daughters with the same amount of passion. I do not know of ever consciously measuring my love to them- in the sense more to one and less to the other. One writes in her blog I give more love to the other while the other openly accuses me of showering more love to her sister. I am confounded from where they get the idea. I want to tell both my daughters and even the others who might be reading this that A MOTHER CANNOT MEASURE AND DISTRIBUTE HER LOVE TO HER CHILDREN-LET IT BE JUST TWO OR TWELVE. ALL WILL GET HER TOTAL LOVE ;NEVER EVER DOUBT.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
HEART BREAK # 2
I always seem to come here when I am very down and out.
My babes have flown from the nest and they have taken part of me with them.
My first heart break was when my youngest got married. While getting everything organized for the wedding I didn't realize that now she was getting ready to fly. It hit me on the wedding day only, but consoled myself thinking, she is entering into the next phase in life and that she will be my neighbour and also at calling distance. Still I miss her, though I see her everyday and spend sometime with her, pour all my grumblings, rumblings and frustration to her. She is supportive of me , what ever it is, irrespective of whether I am wrong or right. She is like her father, take control of situations and I have great confidence in her. In the sense that what ever adversaries come her way, she will face them, as she is very mature for her age, intelligent and can take decisions and stand by it. She is a no nonsense type. So I don't worry about her.
My second heart break which I still am unable to come to terms with is my eldest moving away from home to set home with her friend. she just decided out of the blue and like lightening moved out. The talk of moving out is not new, she kept telling, when ever I was sore with her I used to tell to move out thinking that she'll know I was just stating it without really wanting her to go. My weakness with regard to her is that maybe I always underestimate her - not her intelligence but emotions. She can get carried away by any sob story, anyone who gives attention, show a little care or flatter, she will go out of the way to pamper then. My fear is that people take advantage of her, as it has happened in the past; several times but still she has not learn t a lesson and go through unnecessary pain.
I miss her at home 'cos when she is around its Diwali - all the lights will be switched on, fans on and loud music and her singing along with it.
Maybe I miss my two girls because of they are my pillars of strength, advisers, console rs, patient listeners (to my rantings) and also they pamper me. still.....................
My babes have flown from the nest and they have taken part of me with them.
My first heart break was when my youngest got married. While getting everything organized for the wedding I didn't realize that now she was getting ready to fly. It hit me on the wedding day only, but consoled myself thinking, she is entering into the next phase in life and that she will be my neighbour and also at calling distance. Still I miss her, though I see her everyday and spend sometime with her, pour all my grumblings, rumblings and frustration to her. She is supportive of me , what ever it is, irrespective of whether I am wrong or right. She is like her father, take control of situations and I have great confidence in her. In the sense that what ever adversaries come her way, she will face them, as she is very mature for her age, intelligent and can take decisions and stand by it. She is a no nonsense type. So I don't worry about her.
My second heart break which I still am unable to come to terms with is my eldest moving away from home to set home with her friend. she just decided out of the blue and like lightening moved out. The talk of moving out is not new, she kept telling, when ever I was sore with her I used to tell to move out thinking that she'll know I was just stating it without really wanting her to go. My weakness with regard to her is that maybe I always underestimate her - not her intelligence but emotions. She can get carried away by any sob story, anyone who gives attention, show a little care or flatter, she will go out of the way to pamper then. My fear is that people take advantage of her, as it has happened in the past; several times but still she has not learn t a lesson and go through unnecessary pain.
I miss her at home 'cos when she is around its Diwali - all the lights will be switched on, fans on and loud music and her singing along with it.
Maybe I miss my two girls because of they are my pillars of strength, advisers, console rs, patient listeners (to my rantings) and also they pamper me. still.....................
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Beginnings.......
Thought a lot about what what to write.... and came up with idea of the people who have played a major role in my life...some in a constructive way while others were destructive...
In many places I would not like to mention names, but they did affect my way of life in some way or the other.
This attitude of mine to write about the characters who played their role in my life may be due to the subject HISTORY that has entwined me (not enthralled) to bring about a meaning to my life... I don't know if I am making any sense...but bear with me.
The person for whom I had all the emotions-love, jealous, adoration, hatred, hero worship, etc..etc...etc...was my father.
I had such a short time with my father I feel that God cheated me. When he passed away I was 19 years, living in my own world, thinking there was lot of time to give my dad later on, little realizing that he would not be there... I can still hear and see the tears in his eyes in Lusaka International Airport as he asked me if I really wanted to go... asked me to change my mind...(I was very angry and hurt with my mother at that time) wish I had, then I would have had afew more months with him or I as usual would have put a tantrum saying that we will go another day and thereby the time of the accident would have not had an effect on my dad.
My dad was a very soft spoken person, stern when required, naughty and playful with us. Many a times his eyes were a give away to his moods- they would turn red when he is angry then the 5 of us would put our tails between our legs and disappear before the volcano erupts. If we test him further, all of us would be made to stand in line and whether we did any wrong on that day or not would get a solid bashing--- this happens once or twice a year.
My dad adored my mother, and we used to tease him as the perfect petty coat govt. My mothers' word was law and he can not over rule it. I perfected the act with my father... he was a sucker for tears... they need not flow but just get collected in the eyes and he would fall for it. I have used this to the max to get things going my way.
In my teens ...(this is the time that we as a family...i.e. my parents and the five of us lived...with no other parasites of relatives all the time taking my parents attention)I was very brash, expressed what I felt in front of any one any where. My dad tried in a gentle way to make me express what ever I felt in a more appropriate way, then I just said that I am who I am and will not change for any one. He just said one thing..... 'then be prepared to get hurt' cos the world is spinning according to my wishes. This has come true in my life and when I have been royally hurt due to my frankness, have learnt a lesson and have said 'sorry' to my dad a million times for not heeding his advice.
My sis and self used to select shirts for my dad.. typical girly colours which the poor man used to wear and when friends and others asked him about the shirts he would so proudly state that shirts shopping is always done by my girls. I still remember a flashy bright pink and a yellow flowery shirt. No man on the earth would have liked to be seen in such shirts, but poor man wore the shirts without grumbling.
There are so many things that I want to share about my dad that I think its not possible. However few things that just not budge from my memory....
I like meat or fish with all my meals...if there is no non-veg on the table that day I will starve, so my mother used to keep aside a little for me at all times. The whole family will be eating veg lunch or dinner, but I will have NV. During lent my mother will not make even eggs. NV was the sacrifice to be made during lent. I would skip most of my meals, after a week my dad would have observed dark circles under my eyes, my sulking, lethargic and then he would tell my mother to cook some chicken only for me and she would say that I will not die if I don't eat NV for 36 days. Then my dad would take my mother's anger and go against her and he would personally cook some meat, and when he goes shopping he would see to that there are a few tinned meat and fish added to the list.
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE...........
I have still not accepted his death, I was in India at the time... I have not seen him in the still posture.....for me he is still in Zambia working and has got no leave to come and meet me....I know he will not come to see me but this time round I would hope to meet him when I go....you know where......
I love u dad.....
In many places I would not like to mention names, but they did affect my way of life in some way or the other.
This attitude of mine to write about the characters who played their role in my life may be due to the subject HISTORY that has entwined me (not enthralled) to bring about a meaning to my life... I don't know if I am making any sense...but bear with me.
The person for whom I had all the emotions-love, jealous, adoration, hatred, hero worship, etc..etc...etc...was my father.
I had such a short time with my father I feel that God cheated me. When he passed away I was 19 years, living in my own world, thinking there was lot of time to give my dad later on, little realizing that he would not be there... I can still hear and see the tears in his eyes in Lusaka International Airport as he asked me if I really wanted to go... asked me to change my mind...(I was very angry and hurt with my mother at that time) wish I had, then I would have had afew more months with him or I as usual would have put a tantrum saying that we will go another day and thereby the time of the accident would have not had an effect on my dad.
My dad was a very soft spoken person, stern when required, naughty and playful with us. Many a times his eyes were a give away to his moods- they would turn red when he is angry then the 5 of us would put our tails between our legs and disappear before the volcano erupts. If we test him further, all of us would be made to stand in line and whether we did any wrong on that day or not would get a solid bashing--- this happens once or twice a year.
My dad adored my mother, and we used to tease him as the perfect petty coat govt. My mothers' word was law and he can not over rule it. I perfected the act with my father... he was a sucker for tears... they need not flow but just get collected in the eyes and he would fall for it. I have used this to the max to get things going my way.
In my teens ...(this is the time that we as a family...i.e. my parents and the five of us lived...with no other parasites of relatives all the time taking my parents attention)I was very brash, expressed what I felt in front of any one any where. My dad tried in a gentle way to make me express what ever I felt in a more appropriate way, then I just said that I am who I am and will not change for any one. He just said one thing..... 'then be prepared to get hurt' cos the world is spinning according to my wishes. This has come true in my life and when I have been royally hurt due to my frankness, have learnt a lesson and have said 'sorry' to my dad a million times for not heeding his advice.
My sis and self used to select shirts for my dad.. typical girly colours which the poor man used to wear and when friends and others asked him about the shirts he would so proudly state that shirts shopping is always done by my girls. I still remember a flashy bright pink and a yellow flowery shirt. No man on the earth would have liked to be seen in such shirts, but poor man wore the shirts without grumbling.
There are so many things that I want to share about my dad that I think its not possible. However few things that just not budge from my memory....
I like meat or fish with all my meals...if there is no non-veg on the table that day I will starve, so my mother used to keep aside a little for me at all times. The whole family will be eating veg lunch or dinner, but I will have NV. During lent my mother will not make even eggs. NV was the sacrifice to be made during lent. I would skip most of my meals, after a week my dad would have observed dark circles under my eyes, my sulking, lethargic and then he would tell my mother to cook some chicken only for me and she would say that I will not die if I don't eat NV for 36 days. Then my dad would take my mother's anger and go against her and he would personally cook some meat, and when he goes shopping he would see to that there are a few tinned meat and fish added to the list.
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE...........
I have still not accepted his death, I was in India at the time... I have not seen him in the still posture.....for me he is still in Zambia working and has got no leave to come and meet me....I know he will not come to see me but this time round I would hope to meet him when I go....you know where......
I love u dad.....
Thursday, May 21, 2009
At last......
I have been wanting to write/blog or whatever from the time my 2 computer gurus (my daughters) have tried to make me aware of blogs. Finally about 2 months ago they opened helped me start but just today after reading Dee's blog got the nerve to write.
Many a times I have been planning to write, but what to write? Its like planning the meals- if some one tells me what they want to eat I can russel it up in no time but I hate to plan the menu and so kept deferring the write up.
Most often I feel like expressing my feelings when I am quiet depressed but being me I feel I would expose myself and my inner thoughts which I am not yet ready for others to know.
Some times I think the blog is the best place where I can pour out all my fears, feelings, frustrations, aspirations, hopes, insecurities, etc. But not yet, maybe some other times.
However I would like to express my very deep love, respect and admiration for my girls who are so smart and go getter and patient with me while teaching and guiding me through in learning to use the computer. What little I know to do with the computer has all been due to them.
Hope to continue the writing.
Many a times I have been planning to write, but what to write? Its like planning the meals- if some one tells me what they want to eat I can russel it up in no time but I hate to plan the menu and so kept deferring the write up.
Most often I feel like expressing my feelings when I am quiet depressed but being me I feel I would expose myself and my inner thoughts which I am not yet ready for others to know.
Some times I think the blog is the best place where I can pour out all my fears, feelings, frustrations, aspirations, hopes, insecurities, etc. But not yet, maybe some other times.
However I would like to express my very deep love, respect and admiration for my girls who are so smart and go getter and patient with me while teaching and guiding me through in learning to use the computer. What little I know to do with the computer has all been due to them.
Hope to continue the writing.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)