EMOTIONS

After along time getting to put my thoughts in black & white. Many a times I have wanted to write, but after staring at the blank space for some time I go back to my games. This is because I fear to write when I am emotional. Of late my emotions are see-sawing like no bodies business.
Most often I am able to go back to my escapist philosophy of "whatever happens in my life is not in my control, its HIS , HE knows all & I must be strong in my trust in HIM". But for the last 10 or 12 years my faith and trust in HIM is shaky. Things in my perfect family (I considered the 4 of us led a very perfect life, with the usual ups & downs) has not been perfect at all.
I have a smart and intelligent husband, beautiful and street smart,intelligent daughters, a roof over my head, husband doing well in his profession, my girls doing well in school and college and then at work. All three of them gave me unconditional love,I have nothing to worry. I led a full and satisfied life.
Suddenly I am caught in a roller coaster- husband without a regular job (though he was earning by way of commissions and marketing consultant to a couple of companies) medical problems of one girl & discontinuing of engineering course by the other, politics in my work place and my quitting the job, girls working in call center, etc.
I had always dreamed that my girls will go places in their life for two simple reasons-one they were intelligent- not in the sense of scoring in exams. I have never pressurized them to score high %; and two- they are good in their heart- no mean streak, always helpful, no spite, caring,considerate, etc.
I try to be still my old self- but its becoming difficult of late.
With my elder girl moving out and my younger one married husband and me are feeling a little lonely. All parents must be going through the same once the children are settled and moved out.
Now I am coming to the tremors following in my life-
- Always thought that I loved and will continue to love both my daughters with the same amount of passion. I do not know of ever consciously measuring my love to them- in the sense more to one and less to the other. One writes in her blog I give more love to the other while the other openly accuses me of showering more love to her sister. I am confounded from where they get the idea. I want to tell both my daughters and even the others who might be reading this that A MOTHER CANNOT MEASURE AND DISTRIBUTE HER LOVE TO HER CHILDREN-LET IT BE JUST TWO OR TWELVE. ALL WILL GET HER TOTAL LOVE ;NEVER EVER DOUBT.